And
now, a word from my Mentor, Dan Helou (It's no wonder
I can't talk)
Posted
April 4, 2006, 3:23 PM CT
Last weekend I saw
something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 31st anniversary and I was looking
for a little something extra for my wife Kathy. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser (stun gun).
The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with
no longterm adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and
brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Kathy what
that burn spot is on the face of our microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new
toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with
only two triple-a batteries,... right? There I sat in
my recliner, my dog Asia looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Asia (for a fraction
of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a old dog.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and
a wife-beater shirt with my reading glasses perched delicately
on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little
device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a
batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best.....I'm sitting there alone, Asia looking
on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do
it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such
a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided
to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!behind!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking
up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes,
body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The dog was standing over
me making whining sounds I had never heard before, licking my
face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do
it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug"
yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will
not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second
burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like heck!!! A minute
or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat
up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the blades of the ceiling fan. How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles?
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock, Daniel
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